still confused between brooding about my loss or blissfully enjoy this new love

When one is young in college days, life appears to be so promising & lusciously beautiful. I was still in high school when I had firmly decided not to study even a single year after high school. My only ambition was to marry ASAP, have lots of children & live as a home maker ever after. With a heavy quarter heart, I pushed myself to attend college lectures everyday. But very soon managed to get a handsome hunk who could not only help me bunk boring classes but give lessons on love making as well. It was then, when I could see the real beautiful world. Not with my own eyes, had borrowed his vision, his perception his sight. The way I had an ambition, he had one too, which was much greater than mine. He wanted to become a proud officer in the defence forces of our country & serve the nation till his last breath. He had love as the only element in him. Love for me, love for his family & his fellow citizens. he said that we all youngsters owe our lives to the nation. But I never thought so.

The year we got out of the college was very eventful. Our graduation & engagement were the first two celebrations followed by him clearing all military exams & interviews...phew. all so fast. Time to say goodbye & join the Academy. I cried buckets full but he was very happy. This was all he ever wanted. But what about me & my ambition. Well he had an answer to that as well. He promised to marry me once he completes his course & finally becomes an officer. well a mere thought of getting married was super exciting for me. So I forgot all worries & started shopping & planning for the wedding. Our families were happy over this union.

First posting in the services is supposed to be choice postings. It was obvious that he would take his first posting to his home town & then we would finally marry. But for some silly patriotic reasons, Mr Adventurer, took his first posting in a Naxalite hit area in Assam. I was so pissed off that I did not speak to him for next seven days which was killing for both. But then he always had an advantage of winning me away with his words. Just another year & that will be the end of his bachelor life. so I resumed to my favorite act – shopping.

Though he would tell me stories about various encounters, ambush, landmines & killings but I never felt scared until that day. A group of five men with him were send into a jungle for some search. It was 5 days since they did not come back. Their wireless sets were also not traceable. We all were informed about the same & were asked to reach that station. Another two days & no trace. Four days after their disappearance, another team was send to rescue the previous group. On the seventh day, they returned with few sacks. The sacks were full of several pieces of bodies. Blood dripping out of them. All mixed up, rotten. Filthy.

It took the forensic department to complete their research & fix up the mutilated bodies. The only thing which I could identify was his wristwatch which I had gifted him on our first valentines.

Damn. We were so close to getting married & live happily ever after. I had been waiting for it for so long & suddenly I was standing in the middle of a deserted forest with blood sucking flies all around me trying to identify a mutilated body which was supposed to be my lover.. For the country, he was just another soldier but for me, he was Everything. The one who taught me how to love & see this beautiful world. Life was over for me. I had nothing left in it. Absolutely nothing. I was as good as dead but I could still breathe. So I decided to get over that last string of life as it was incomplete without him. Went back home, took out sleeping pills from my mother’s cupboard, pop in all at once & locked myself in a room.

I was getting it. That drowsiness, that lovely calm sleep. I could sense the death approaching I heard his mother cry aloud “don’t go. I have lost my son. Don’t wana loose my daughter” it shook me from head to toe. All this while all I had been thinking about was I . What about my family & what about his family. They were my family too. By killing myself I would have brought an end to my pains but could not end theirs. Was it not the same thing which he was trying to teach me all this while? Love all

It was then that I decided to reject approaching death & choose life. when I opened my eyes I could see two mothers staring at me with hope still left in their eyes. We all live together now & happily ever after. But I am still confused between brooding about my loss or blissfully enjoy this new love